Say Yes!

Earlier this year, I got an opportunity which was really out of my comfort zone.

From the moment discussions began, everything in me wanted to say No. It was the safe answer. The easy choice.

I eventually convinced myself to give it a shot, so that I wouldn’t beat myself up for not trying, at least.

Luckily, I was accepted for it too, then the chaos began.

During the busiest part of the preparations for this assignment, I started to experience a lot of pain and loss and then, Covid 19 visited our household.

My mental health was in shambles and I could barely function.

Every other day, I sent an email asking for more time. I was sure I would be taken off the team. I was ready for it.

Instead, they were beyond understanding.

In the midst of all of that, I supported #HealthWorkerFundUg. Not only did the ’employer’ see that I was heavily involved in something else, they actually helped raise a little over Ugx 800,000 for the fund to support frontline workers across different regions of Uganda, without me even asking (while I was delaying on other internal deliverables the whole time) See God! 😭

The truth is, fundraising for the Health workers was ‘easier’ for me because it really is my forte. There was a problem and the solution was something I had experience in. It was only natural that I get on board.

It was also a positive distraction amidst a tough period (although, on the flip side, the work and anxiety accumulated making the juggling that much more difficult )

In the end, we raised a little over Ugx 23 million for Health workers’ supplies.

That was a huge win, beyond our expectations and we were beyond grateful.

However, it was almost like I was subconsciously avoiding the other work where I knew chances of failure were high(er).

When the Lockdown was lifted, the assignment was back in full swing and I could feel all the feels again.

I didn’t feel like I belonged. Why had I said yes? Who did I think I was? Would they figure out I was a fraud?

I couldn’t quite express it and I needed to get out of my head – fast!

I persevered. Somehow.

During the execution, fear, anxiety and imposter syndrome were my BFFs.

I may have slept a total of 12 hours in 5 days because the usual insomnia birthed some insomnia too.

By the end of it, I had learnt a lot about myself and also reminded ME that I am worth more than who I am on my worst days.

While the work went on, I was blessed to create amazing new connections which reminded me that God’s purpose for my presence was far bigger than I could have imagined.

Whereas I got some good work reviews which reassured me, I knew deep down that the approval I really need(ed) is from myself first, and of course a sign off from the Mainest.

I sat back to assess the months of toil uptill the execution and I could see that indeed Star ta fa! And I am here to tell the tale because someone might need it.

I don’t know how this jumbled story speaks to you (or if it does) but I do know what I wish for you.

This October, I hope that you allow yourself to step away from what you are used to; that you take a chance on a dream, on a passion, on a person (YOU maybe?)

I hope that you can believe in yourself, say YES and figure it out along the way.

I hope that you will see the hidden rainbow amidst the storms and find your way to all the possibilities that await you (or even create them!)

I hope that the people you encounter can affirm you but that their affirmation will only be an addition to what you already know and feel inside.

I just recently started playing Christmas carols, which is also a reminder that the year is fast coming to an end. (To be honest my road to Christmas begins around June-ish)

There are things we said we would do and didn’t, some we never thought of that made their way to us and a whole lot of pain, loss and regret that might be lingering.

That’s okay.

What is not so okay is putting yourself in the backseat and watching as life happens to you (and others). Take the rest on the bad days but when you get a good one, hit the ground running, literally. Do whatever you possibly can because that momentum might grow and open doors for even more energy and creativity.

May fear fuel you and not cripple you-

May the inside voice saying “you can do it” be louder than the external factors which suggest otherwise.

May the very idea of starting/finishing ‘that thing’ inspire you and keep you awake (in a good way🙊)

This month, take a chance on you – no matter how small.

With more practice, who knows? This could be an entire way of life.

May October come with the wins you need, the acceptance you deserve.

Love,

Estar

🧡